God is implicit in yoga, in life
I am going to consider one of the implications of the word ‘yoga’ derived from its possible interpretation as ‘unity’: ‘wholeness.’ First considering the implications of the word ‘wholeness’ for yoga posture practice and then considering the implications of the word ‘wholeness’ for life. Although ‘wholeness’ may be a phenomenon that we exist within, although it may be a phenomenon that we embody, wholeness is not necessarily a phenomenon that we effectively conceptualise or understand. Especially if we consider wholeness from the linear fragmenting capability of the human cortex.
Lets take the wholeness of the Taj Mahal, or the wholeness of the duomo in Florence or of a land-rover. They all have their wholeness, their completeness. But they’ve been put together, they’ve been manufactured. They are an association of parts that were independently fabricated. Our familiarity with such a manifestation of wholeness can prejudice us against seeing another kind of wholeness. A more organic wholeness that is not the result of a putting together of parts. A wholeness that is inherent, a wholeness within which, from which and even as which, the parts manifest and take their place.
The human body is like this. The human body is not constructed from billions of separate cells that are pasted together with some kind of collagen by tiny little elves inside a woman’s uterus. The human body emerges from the fusion of two cells into one cell and the proliferation of this cell through multiplications into a single organism. An organism that has an inherent wholeness. A wholeness that is genetically determined by the original DNA that was formed by the meeting of the sperm and the egg.
There is a wholeness inherent to the human body no matter how much our minds and our lives may be able to distinguish hands from feet, arms from legs, fingers from toes, left from right, inner thighs from outer thighs etc. The wholeness of the human body is not only inherent, but it is innately indivisible. If you take one part away the body is no longer whole. If you separate two parts from each other, the body is no longer whole. This is so no matter how proximately it can function to the way it had before. If you separate the head of the thigh bone too far from the bones of the pelvis the wholeness of the body has been broken. Even in the name of yoga this has happened. Weakening the ligaments in the hip socket in the name of freedom! The wholeness that is inherent and genetically programmed into the body has been broken because it has not been trusted, it has not been recognised.
This absolutely incredible process of one sperm cell and one egg cell proliferating, following their union, to produce you, a being capable of the most sophisticated self deception and heartbreaking honesty has not been clearly recognised. These are remarkable capacities. They are a remarkable possibility. This possibility is based on wholeness. Now wholeness is unity, and unity is yoga. Therefore yoga, unity or wholeness is always available as the basis and the context of our practice. Even though it has so often been well masked.
This wholeness does not deny the separability of the body parts. Nor their ability to act differently from each other. The fact that the different parts of the body are functioning differently does not mean they are functioning independently or separately. They are not. The mechanism whereby the left arm swings forward as the right leg goes forward is the mechanism whereby the right arms swings backwards and the left foot is left behind. All four, two legs and two arms, left and right functioning together out of their inherent indivisible wholeness.
Even the most superficial recognition of this can be deeply supportive of effective yoga posture practice. It can remind you that each part of the body not only has to act in support of every other part of the body but simultaneously and interdependently also. Which means you have to be able to, willing to, ready to step out of the fragmented limited tendency of the analytical mind in your practice. You must access your deeper, more subtle, more comprehensive, integrating and wholesome intelligence. The intelligence of sensitivity, the intelligence of feeling, the intelligence of awareness.
But because of the incredibly potent human capacity, based upon the cortex, to distinguish and to divide, only too often we come to our mat with no sense of wholeness. We come with no feeling of integrity, no matter what our conceptualisations might be, because we’ve been misusing or abusing our bodies for a very very long time. Twenty years is a long time. So if you’re 22 or more, at least twenty years of misuse or abuse is embedded in your body. Its also embedded in your mind, and in their relationship to each other. Yet the inherent integrity and the indivisible wholeness of your body is inherently there: longing to express itself freely and fully. Just as every cell in your body, and you yourself as a whole, are longing to express yourself freely and fully.
Because of this intrinsic longing it is not so hard to act with integrity. Though it may take a while to completely recover the functionality of integrity. It may take a while to completely release your body into its genetic legacy. Nevertheless acting from the recognition that integrity or wholeness is the very nature of the human body, is possible from the very first moment of that recognition. It is possible from the the very first action taking place from this perspective. The inherent integrity of the indivisible wholeness of the body does not need to succumb to the quantification of information in order for you to use it. No anatomical knowledge is required. All that is required is that you be sensitive to how each part of the body feels. Does each part feel comfortable, feel alive, feel as though it’s being nourished and contributing therefore to the nourishment of the whole? This is all that is required.
A sensitivity to the condition of each part of the body is based on the experience of the tissues in each part of the body. The experience of the tissues is based on the cells. Every single cell in every single tissue of your body is equipped with an unfailing compass. A compass that can distinguish between safety and danger, between harm and nourishment, between pain and pleasure with total accuracy. Not what we might call pain and pleasure, we’re not necessarily talking about sensory pleasure. Although we may be talking about sensory pain. We need to become sensitive to the pain-pleasure mechanism which is embedded on a cellular level. An intrinsic organic sensitivity that functions through all the cellular organisation of the tissues into the different organs, joints and muscles. Sensitivity to this pain-pleasure mechanism is all that is required to invite each hand, foot, arm, leg to feel good, to feel alive, to feel nourishment: no matter what they’re doing, no matter what shape the body is in. This experience is only possible if they’re behaving in a way that’s not damaging them. In other words you are using them with integrity. This you can do.
Perhaps the easiest part of the body to activate with integrity is the hands. There are many ways with which an individual hand can be not activated with integrity. Yet there’s only one way any unique, individual hand can act with integrity in its unique, individual way in any shape, in any posture. In a way that the hand is nourishing itself and the body as a whole. There are 27 joints in the hand. Releasing each one of those joints means not compromising or compressing any of the other ones. It also means not compromising the joints in the arms, shoulders etc. This you can learn to do by feeling, and only by feeling what is happening in the body.
This you cannot learn to do by reading a book. This you cannot learn to do by measuring anything. This you cannot learn to do by being told how much distance there should be between your fingers or how little distance there should be between your fingers. That is to be a slave to external authority. That is to unconsciously deny and deride the inherent integrity of the body, its relevance and its power to help you. Now this is not a matter of opinion. Your joints and your muscles do not have or express opinions. They express a ‘yes’ to pleasurable circumstances, to nourishing circumstances. They express a ‘no’ to unpleasant and harmful circumstances. So it is not, it cannot be, and it never will be or has been a matter of opinion how the hands should be used, how the foot should be used or how the arm should be used in any particular shape. How it should be used is determined by four things.
The inherent integrity of the body.
The pain-pleasure mechanism.
The shape of the posture (relationship between body parts).
Gravity.
The inherent integrity of the body will respond to the relationship between the body parts that you deliberately establish. It will respond to gravity to the best of its ability through the agency of the fine distinctions made by sensory receptors throughout the body. Its ability to do so may well have been compromised by habit. You may have tensions in the muscles. You may have restriction in the joints. You may have hardening of the connective tissue. Many things may not permit your genetic capacity to express itself freely and fully. That may be the case. Neveretheless, given these limitations you still have that limited or restricted capacity to act with integrity. As you act with integrity to that capacity, that integrity will deepen, your limitations will begin to dissolve. As your limitations dissolves your genetic capacity, your potential will manifest further. This happens because the thrust of life demands it. The deep urge that life, operating in every cell of your body, is to self-expression is seeking that integrity. If you just give it the slightest fraction of a chance to do so it will take it.
The inherent integrity of the body is expressed and honoured through five fundamental principles.
grounding
broadening
lengthening
spiralling
utilising the mimimum necessary muscular effort possible
On the basis of establishing a stable (sthiram) foundation the body as a whole, and in its parts, is integrated into the shape of any posture by opening (sukham) each one of the joints. Each joint must be opened as much as possible without compromising any other joint. This interrelationship between any individual joint and every other joint limits the opening of them all. Within their overall interconnectedness each one is stabilsied by the fertilisation of the other ones. These individual openings are integrated through the spiral dynamic within which each opening is created by the minimum possible effort (prayatna saithilya).
There is absolutely nothing arbitrary about broadening, lengthening and spiralling. They are a direct derivation of the inherent integrity of the form of life manifesting itself as structure. This is what galaxies do, this is what solar systems do. They create a dynamic between centrifugal and centripetal force. This is a double helix of a centrifugal spiral and a centripetal spiral: as in your dna strands. This is natural, this is life. This is how life unfolds. The extent to which inherent integrity, or indivisible wholeness, is utilised, accessed and thereby recovered more and more deeply, it will deliver the subtle, deeper fruits of yoga. Just as the inherent integrity of the body is there to express and honour, so are the deeper integrities of being human.
It’s not just the human body that is an indivisible wholeness. The human being is an indivisible wholeness. There is an indivisible relationship of wholeness between body, breath, mind, energy and awareness. What is happening to your body affects breath, energy, mind and awareness and vice versa from any angle. This implication of the word yoga as wholeness via unity applies to the whole of the human being. It can be accessed through the utilisation of the inherent integrity of the body. No more than this is required. Other options may be available but no more than this is actually required. By working from the outside in, by working from the surface to the depths, by working from the obvious to the subtle, not only do you make the recovery of wholeness or unity more accessible and easier but you render any speculative submission to abstract speculation unnecessary. You render belief and blind faith unnecessary to the process of recovering the inherent unity of being human.
The application of indivisible wholeness to life is a little bit more difficult to digest. Nevertheless, the inherent integrity of the human body is not separate from life. It’s not separate from the wholeness of life. It’s not separate from the nature of oxygen. It’s not separate from Newton’s laws of motion. It’s not separate from the curvature of space time which creates the spiral dynamic. The inherent integrity of the human body is not separate from any element of life. Even if we can’t see the connectedness, even if we don’t want to accept the connectedness for whatever reason. Many people cling to the idea that life is just a freakish accident and that there is no meaning to it at all.
This is quite a common attitude. But it overlooks, it denies, it derides, it spits in the face of the indivisible wholeness within which all life takes place, and within which all dissent is uttered. Such dissent is not separate from the wholeness of life. To say “I am immortal and I will live forever” doesn’t change your mortality. To say that “I am separate from the universe” does not make you separate. It just makes you feel it all the stronger. We have been conditioned to feel like that in all kinds of ways and means, subtle and coarse. To a certain extent it is inherent in being born. It is inherent in the formation of the human body that you feel separate. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter what you can see around you, no matter who is present, your skin is always present. Your body is always present. Your mind is always present.
Whereas everything else is only sometimes present. So you can easily take that to mean that we are separate: that there’s a boundary at our skin. The skin and everything contained within it is always there but around it everything is changing. This implies separation between them. But your can’t live that separation. If there were a separation the oxygen wouldn’t get in. If there were a separation the sounds would not get in. There is not a separation. The air that’s carrying the vibrations produced by my vocal chords is in your trachea, it’s in your alveoli, it’s deep inside you. When you eat, there’s another blurring of the boundary.
The wholeness of life of which the human body and being are a direct expression can be seen to have certain kinds of characteristics. The seeing of these can be very helpful. A wholeness being inherently a unity and not an agglomeration of separate parts. A wholeness being inherently a unity means that it is inherently indivisible in terms of its wholeness. It doesn’t mean you can’t cut it in half but if you cut it in half it’s no longer whole. The wholeness is indivisible. What this means is that you cannot actually extract a single element that you can nevertheless perceive as separate. You cannot actually extract it from the whole and it remain whole. The whole will then be broken. What this means is that a wholeness cannot survive without every single one of its constituent elements. If not one single constituent element of the wholeness is extractable, and not one is, then wholeness is totally dependent upon every constituent element. Its dependency on every constituent element is such that it requires every constituent element to be exactly what it is, exactly where it is, exactly when it is, exactly how it is and in no way different.
Life as a whole is like this. But so used are we to a different perspective. So deeply conditioned have we been to assume that just because we live for 40, 60, 70 years we’re fairly well irrelevant. Life has been on this planet for 3000 million years; this planet has been for 4000 million; this solar system, universe etc even more. We are here for such a short time that we are supposedly unimportant. This is a common attitude. That we could just as well not have been born at all. If just one different sperm had made it to the egg that was ejaculated that day you would not be here.
But this kind of attitude, this kind of perspective is an ostrich perspective. It’s what you see when your head’s up your ass. You don’t see anything but your own shit when your heads up your arse. The inextricability of any given element of life, no matter how small, from the indivisibility of wholeness means every single element of life is required, is necessary for life to be the way that it is. Of course it’s not required for life to be in some hypothetical alternative form - but life is not in some hypothetical alternative form. Life is in the form that it is. And this doesn’t just mean that human beings require oxygen and that plants donate it to us. This also means the course of every individual human life just as it was, has been totally necessary to the unfolding of the totality of the indivisible wholeness of life as the whole universe.
From this perspective the individual is no longer unimportant. From this perspective the individual is not only important but absolutely necessary. But not just as a vague concept of individuality. Not just as a label, not just as a name. The dependency that the wholeness of life has on each individual refers to every single action taken by that individual. It refers to every single thought. It refers to every single feeling that every single individual element of life has experienced. Every single one of these is inextricable from the indivisible wholeness of life. One of the implications of the inextricability of any element from the indivisible wholeness of life is not just that everything is necessary - everything no matter how small, no matter how distasteful, no matter how confusing - but it also means that every single element of life; all of your doubt, all of your confusion, all of your anger, all of your rage, all of your despair were absolutely perfect to the unfolding of the whole. They may not have felt perfect to you. You may have been told that you’re not being perfect when you cry, lie, cheat or steal. But as far as the indivisibility of the totality of the whole is concerned, it was necessary, it is necessary that you did so and it was perfect.
Your contribution to the whole is a perfect one without which the wholeness could not exist except in some hypothetical imaginary alternative which does not exist. So it couldn’t even exist there except as a concept. You however are not a concept and your actions are not concepts no matter how much they can be conceptualised about. You are real, you exist, this is the one thing that you know without any doubts. You do exist. You may take your body to be separate; and with that identify yourself by and with the actions that your body delivers to life as a whole. Nevertheless these actions are real. This body is real even if it is not really separate, even if these actions are not really yours, they really are happening. They really have happened. They really did happen. Your mother really did open her legs to your father. This is an indisputable fact - well maybe not. Maybe he fucked her from behind. Who knows?
When you take your head out of your arse or the sand and enquire into the possibility of having a human being’s perspective and enquire into the possibility of utilising the cortex effectively it’s not so hard to see the indivisibility of wholeness. In seeing the indivisibility of wholeness it is inescapable that you see the perfection of everything you’ve ever done, thought, felt, chosen, decided and likewise that everybody else has done also. Within this perfection, which I like to call ‘imperfectability’, your actions are imperfectable.
Your having been taken and being taken actions. Your future actions have not happened so they’re not yet real. They’re still imaginary. The actions that actually have happened are imperfectable. They cannot be changed, they cannot be improved, they cannot be made better, they cannot be made worse. If they had been worse… well that would have been the end of the story. We wouldn’t know what the story would be. It certainly wouldn’t be the story we’re living. Because the way life is now depends exactly on how life was then whenever it was going all the way back to the beginning of time having happened exactly in the way that it did. The present is unfolding exactly the way that it is with an imperfectability.
Your past actions are all imperfectable, your present actions are all imperfectable and your future actions whatever they may be once they’ve happened will be quite clearly seen then as having been imperfectable. And therefore when your head is well out of your arse you can see just as easily the inevitability of all actions past, present and future. They each one had, or will have, to happen. The implication of the indivisibility of wholeness are many. That all actions, all elements, all objects are inextricable, imperfectable and inevitable. Wholeness means this. Without inevitability, imperfectability, inextricability there could be no wholeness and without wholeness there could be nothing. There could be no life, there could be no solar system, there could be nothing without wholeness. Wholeness is a given, unity is a given, yoga is a given. It is the very ground upon which we walk or lie or sit. The ground upon which life unfolds itself through our agency.
You could say that we are all staff, life’s staff, we’re doing what life requires us to do. This doesn’t mean life’s made a conscious decision. Life as a whole doesn’t need a cortex except inside the human body. Its only within us that life makes conscious decisions. Yet conscious decisions are not so special. They are really just recognitions of the inevitability of actions we are about to take. Though we don’t normally have a deep enough persepctive to see it that way.
The most intelligent aspects of your life, of your functioning do not actually require decisions in the cortex. The brilliance of your muscular response to gravity which is going on all the time, does not require the cortex, does not require a conscious decision. The universe does not require a cortex to function with its perfection. The imperfectability of the unfolding of the universe which is expressed through the imperfectability of the unfolding of your life does not require a script writer. It does not require someone who’s decided what you will do, what you should do. Life as a whole is demanding that you do what you do.
Now I think that one of the most stupid things that you can do is waste your time. And I think that one of the best ways you can waste your time if you’re interested in what I’m talking about, is to write it down as i am saying it. Nevertheless, Paul is writing it down. Whatever he’s writing down is being imposed upon him by the very same forces and factors that impose my saying that upon me. By the totality of the unfolding of the wholeness of the whole universe coalescing through his nervous system and mine, through his life experience and mine, through the values and the preferences, the prejudices, the hopes, the fears and the motivations that the unfolding of the totality of the universe imprinted in us. We have all been imprinted uniquely and specifically by the totality of the unfolding of the indivisibility of the wholeness of the universe so as to behave in totally prescribed ways according to the nature of the circumstances within which we find ourselves conscious and alive.
Try as we might and try as many do, there is no escape from wholeness. There is no escape from the indivisibility of wholeness. There is no escape therefore from the absolute dependency that all life has upon us. The absolute dependency that all life has upon our every action, decision, choice, feeling and thought. To put this into theological terminology, what this means is that your every action past, present and future, your every decision past, present and future, your every choice past, present and future, your every feeling past, present and future, your every thought past, present and future is sanctioned by God.
I’d just like to pause a moment and clarify what I mean when I use the word God. I don’t mean a voluptuous chick with a big belly who will guarantee the fertility of our crops. I do not mean a bloke with a beard and long hair who’s fond of casting thunderbolts from clouds and setting bushes on fire and speaking to people from hidden places. I do not even mean a dancing God with invisible swords cutting off everybody’s head. I mean by God that power, that intelligence, that love that moves the whole universe. Or you could say that power, that intelligence, that love that the universe is a manifestation of. You could say that God to me means everything. That which is manifest and that which is manifesting. By God I mean the totality of the indivisibility of wholeness way way beyond our imaginative capacity. The totality of that which is obviously not an unconscious totality because we are a part of it. Consciousness is a part of that totality and it is the only part of that totality by which we can even know that there is such a thing as totality - wholeness - indivisibility or imperfectability.
I look at the statue of the dancing God before me. I look at the God up that mountain in La Verna, I look at the Gods of all cultures and all times and see them as very poor, very partial symbolic representations of what I mean by the word God. That I happen to find one particular symbolic representation of the word God the most sophisticated and apt is simply my prejudice. It may be that I’ve done so much yoga perhaps and Shiva is the God of yoga. Who knows how our prejudices come about but we do know where our prejudices come from. They come from the totality of the universe, they come to us from God. Our prejudices, our fears, our hopes, our desires, our longings, our feeling, our thoughts, our choices, our decisions come to us from God and from no one else - not from the Devil. They may be born to us on the wings of angels or on the horns of demons. Perhaps so, nevertheless they are delivered from God.
You could say that this is the ultimate implication of the word yoga, of the word unity, of the word wholeness, that you are the perfect instrument of the divine carryon. You certainly can’t say divine intention. That’s very naïve anthropomorphism. There’s a movie with Joseph Fiennes playing Martin Luther, one of the great revolutionaries of human freedom. Theres this scene when he’s in hiding from the forces of the Pope desperately trying to translate the New Testament from the Greek into German so that the the German speaking people of Europe could hear the word of God direct: supposedly. There’s this interesting scene when he declares to somebody, “do you realise that the Greek word for ‘will of God’ can equally mean ‘desire’ or even ‘lust’ and yet here we have decided to call it the ‘will’ of God whereas it could equally accurately be the ‘lust of God’ or the ‘desire of God’”. And here i might add: the ‘creative self-expression of God’ or the ‘genius of God’ or whatever you like. The word ‘will’ has very difficult implications. It suggests intention, it suggests discipline. It suggests the possibility that God is wrathful, that God is unforgiving. It suggest that his will can perhaps be broken because we know how easily our will can be broken. We know, each one of us knows how many times we decided we’ll stop eating chocolate and really meant it. Nevertheless the will of God is a deeply embedded cultural concept and I see no reason to abandon it.
The implications of the indivisibility of the totality, the integrity of wholeness, the implications of the word yoga are that you in your every action, thought, feeling, choice and decision are enacting the will of God and this is what Jesus means when he says, ‘Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done…’ Four words: Thy Will be done. Abraham: Thy Will be done. I will kill Isaac, my deeply beloved son, I will kill him for you, my deeply beloved Lord. When Abraham or Jesus says that they’re not negotiating with God. These people love God. They’re not negotiating with God, this is not a deal. This is not a business story, it’s a love story.
This is like Rumi and Shams, Abraham and Yahweh, Jesus and his Father. It’s a love story and both Abraham and Jesus are saying, ‘from the clarity of my love I know that it is Thy Will that is being done so I fight you not, I resist you not. I accept the imperfectability of all actions. Even the ones that lead me to being hung up on a cross, even the ones that I thought would lead to me sacrificing my own son.’ Thy Will be done is at the heart of the Christian and the Judaic religions. It is an explicit recognition of the indivisibility of wholeness. This is a recognition of what the word God means. God means omnipotent. God is omnipresent. God is omniscient. There is no power other than the power of the totality. There is no power other than the power of the indivisibility of wholeness. There is no separate power. There is one power - omnipotent, the totality is omnipotent. Just as it is omnipresent, everywhere. Just as it is omniscient. All knowing is done by it, no matter through what agency, no matter whether it’s through the agency of Paul, Godfrey or a horse or a dog, that knowing belongs to the totality of the indivisibility of the wholeness of totality.
To the extent that the indivisibility of wholeness is seen clearly, to the extent that the imperfectable, inextricability of all elements of that totality are seen clearly, the question ‘how should I behave?’, ‘what must I do?’ ceases. It ceases because trust in life, because trust in God has become complete. From that trust it is inescapably recognised that what is coming is coming and what is coming is sanctioned by God. Whether you or I like it or not, enjoy it or not, understand it or not, mean it or not, choose it or not, intend it or not. Coming it is and imperfectable it is and sanctioned by God it is. Therefore there is no need to fret or worry about what you should do. Just do what you need to do whenever you see something needs to be done. Actions can be taken when circumstances are uncomfortable.
Is the indivisibility of the wholeness of totality visible?
Well it’s visible. Are you seeing it, can you see it? What else is there to see? What else there is to see is the detail. It is easy to get caught in the details, to not be able to see the wood for the trees. When you step back and see that these trees are made of wood and make a wood, then the visibility of the indivisibility of the wholeness of the totality which I’m inclined to call God can be seen. In its being seen it can be enjoyed. You can’t help but enjoy that when you see it. You may not enjoy some of the circumstances of your life but you can’t help but to enjoy the seeing of the indivisibility of the wholeness of totality which I prefer to label God.
There’s no need to make a song and dance about love is there? Not this kind of love anyway. What is it that holds two hydrogen atoms to an oxygen atom but love? Empathy. Attraction. And where would we be without that particular love between hydrogen and oxygen? We would not be anywhere without that particular love. Proton and electron. What is that if it’s not love? I don’t know whether it was John or Paul who said “all you need is love”. More incisive would be “all you’ve got is love.” You may be spinning it otherwise. The human mind is the master of spin: spinning it this way, spinning it that way then spinning it back the other way two seconds later convinced that every spin is the truth. Convinced that with every spin accuracy is being expressed. “I like you, I don’t like you.” “You’re not very nice, you’re very nice.” “You’re kind, you’re unkind.” This is just spin and the biggest part of that spin is thinking that there’s anybody there with any free will. That’s the most dangerous, giddiest part of the spin. The personalisation of action, the claiming of your actions and the demand that other people claim theirs. Whereas they inherently and irrevocably belong to God.
This perspective that I’m expressing is a radical one. It’s so radical it allowed Jesus to linger in the garden of Gesthemany knowing the next day he would be whipped, he would be flogged, he would walk up that hill with the cross upon his back, he would be nailed to the cross and linger there in agony. This is a radical perspective that it can permit such depth of surrender, that it can permit the bearing of such awful suffering. It is the perspective of freedom. Hope will not buy you freedom, belief will not buy you freedom, faith will not buy you freedom. I cannot give you freedom. No guru can give you freedom. You have to take your freedom with your own seeing, with your own awareness, with your own recognition, with your own understanding. And then perhaps you can understand why Jesus of Nazareth did that, how he was able to do that. If you’re not sure wheteher or not it was a difficult thing to do then go and watch Mel Gibson’s movie and see for yourself how horrific that experience was.